I might have to swear, be warned, I’m that furious.
I recently had a most enjoyable day out with my girlfriends in London, it was about 6.30pm when we went our separate ways at Liverpool Street station (sober).
The tubes were a bit up the swanny as they have decided to be of late, so the platform was pretty crowded at which point I noticed a young (about 23ish) woman unconscious on the platform. People were stepping over her as she slept off the booze she was clearly marinaded in.
I stood and waited and watched her. Then the mother within me kicked in, as she has tendencies to do.
“Where are you going?” I shouted into her face, crouching beside her and nearly getting knocked over for my troubles. “Where do you need to be?”
“Liverpool Street,” she murmured.
“You’re at Liverpool Street. Up you get,” I said as I hauled her upright.
Eventually, after much incoherent mumbling and crying (her not me), I discovered that she needed to meet her boyfriend/husband at Epping station. Handily, I was headed to Theydon Bois, the stop before, so decided to take my foundling with me. Once a train heading in our direction arrived, I dragged her onto the packed carriage, demanded a seat for her and stood guard over her. I took her feebly held clutch bag off of her and deposited it inside her jacket and zipped her in.
Once we were above ground, I woke her and instructed her to contact the fella meeting her. I noticed that she had zero juice, so quickly took a photo of the number so I had means of contacting him again should it be necessary (it was necessary). After more incoherent babbling I grabbed her phone and, as the whole carriage judged me for letting my young friend get into this state, they listened…
“I am a complete stranger and I have found your wife/girlfriend on the platform. Yes I will get her to Epping. The next call you get will probably be me as she’s out of juice. I know, I’m a fecking hero, and she needs new friends.”
The carriage softened to me. In fact, I’d go so far as to say they collectively liked me. All the nearby mummies smiled as I explained what I had just learned. Now, strap in readers, this will send you around the twist too…
She was out with her friends for her first outing since having a baby and they had ditched her.
FFS we all scream in unison. Correct… who does that? Even if it’s a pain and you want to stay out, if your friend is in a muddle you suck it up and GO HOME WITH HER, this is basic friendship 101.
For those that need a refresher
The Girlfriend’s Code
Go out together, stay together, go home together. The End. No ifs no buts. This is a fact.
No, you are not going back to anyone’s house.
No thanks, we will get a cab.
I will take photos of the cab and driver and send them to someone.
If I can’t find you at any point I am closing the club down until I find you.
If you do not let me know you are home (if you are last drop), I will have search & rescue out looking within the hour, in fact I will have Lassie & The Littlest Hobo out sniffing for you.
I will be relentless in my quest to find you. You will be on Socials and I don’t care if you don’t like the picture I choose.
If you are sick I will hold your hair.
I will lie to your boyfriend for you but I will not lie to your mother.
You will do all of this for me too.
The end of my foundling story is this. When it was time for me to get off the tube, I gave her to a family who assured me they’d get her to her man. I had texted him to update him and tell him she was in the second to last carriage. I sent him a pic of the family she was being assisted by and gave them his number in case they needed it, should he not be there and they didn’t have room in their car for the four of them, a buggy and a random drunk girl.
He text me when he had her and was thankful.
The End.
PS I’m still not over my fury of being an absolute stranger that gave more of a shit about her than her flaky twatty mates. Tell your daughters this shit stops now!
Setting up shop on Etsy is super exciting, but it’s also a bit baffling. There’s a LOT to take in, so many sections, fees and confusing boxes to fill in, it’s hard to know where to start. I’ve only had around 200 sales on Etsy so far, but most of those have been in the past few months, so I thought I’d share some tips that helped, and that I wish I had known from the start! You can see my shop by clicking here.
Do your research first
Before even starting to list, check out similar products on Etsy in your niche and see what they are doing. You don’t need to copy, but you can get a good idea of pricing, photography tips and what kind of things are actually selling.
List variations separately to boost listings
Apparently, the more listings you have the better your sales will be, so with that in mind, instead of listing different colour options for example all in one listing, add the colours as separate sales listings so that you’ll appear in more searches. Also keep your listing simple, stick to vital info and make any variations or personalisation requests super clear.
Get the price right
Pricing really is a bitch and it can be so hard to get it right. Be sure to take into consideration how much your fees will be, what your posting packaging and production costs are and don’t sell yourself short. This is very often something of a learning curve for sellers, but if you can get it right from the off it does make things easier further down the line. You can also add coupons, abandoned basket discounts and create individual voucher codes for customers on the site too.
Have clear sections
Although this isn’t a must, I do love it when Etsy shops have nice clear sections. When it comes to jewellery for example, I likely won’t want to scroll through 200 listings when all I want is a ring. If I can go straight to a ring section I’m far more likely to not click away and to purchase something instead. With art prints like mine it can be harder as some prints may fall into more than one category, but do the best you can and these can always edit these along the way.
Work on your SEO
When customers search on Etsy, they are shown what Etsy feels they want to see most. Priorities will be given for items similar to ones they have purchased before, items from the same seller they used previously and other things their algorithms deem useful and more likely to yield a sale. This is all about boosting your item in searches again, first clearly describe the product at the start of the listing title, then make sure to add search terms in title as well as tags (more below). Think in the mind of a buyer and what they will look for to ensure your listings show up where you want them to, i.e in front of your target audience. Another thing you can do is to work some of the Etsy rules in your favour, such as offering free shipping to the U.S which help boost sales, and also include shipping in the price so shipping is free, as this is said to be favourable and likely to increase your reach.
Use available tags
The tags are there to be used and as you only get 13 in total, use them wisely. Think in search terms as opposed to single words where possible, for example if you make bespoke dog collars, your tags could be ‘gifts for dogs’ or ‘bespoke leather dog collars’ as opposed to just dog and collar. Think what people will type in when they want to find that product and the more bang on your tags are, the more you’ll show up in searches.
Be careful link sharing
Algorithms can be helpful but also often a pain too. So the more people click on your link and don’t buy, the more the algorithms will think that people won’t buy from you. Etsy want to make their profit, so it makes sense for them to prioritise search results to show the buyers things they are more likely to buy. It’s all complicated and sounds a bit unfair, but once you get your head around it it is kind of logical, from their business point of view anyway. Sharing in an ad on your socials is great, having links in your profiles, great, but things like sharing a link to a huge crafting Facebook group, not so much. Many of those clicks will be to check you out but not buy, these are empty clicks that actually push you down the ranks, so try to only share when it’s to the audience that have chosen to follow you or are more likely to buy something.
Ace your packaging
Packaging doesn’t have to be expensive or fancy and people certainly don’t want to pay a premium for something that will probably be ripped open, but it does need to be right. If your products will get damaged when wet then they need waterproof packaging, if they could break on route then they need to be protected. There are many options out there, with eco friendly paper bubble wrap as well as reusing boxes to make protective packaging. Kraft letterbox boxes seem to be the most popular, as these can be reused, recycled and sealed with washi tape and a logo sticker. Things like stickers with a bit of branding make a big difference and are pretty cheap from places like eBay or other Etsy sellers too. Lots of people choose to put things like sweets in as a gift and although this is cute, you’ll soon regret sending non vegan sweets to a vegan and will be called out for it. So if you do choose something like this, make sure it’s eco/vegan/postage friendly and not something that would harm a hungry dog if they get to the post first! I just choose to put a mini print in with a thank you on the back, or just a business card. Easier! I also back my prints with a card back, inside a cello bag and then inside a hard backed envelope. A3 prints get wrapped in kraft paper and put into a poster tube. Eco friendly packaging is highly favoured, so it’s worth finding ways to send that’s more sustainable.
Have up to date and legal terms & conditions
There are templates out there and lots of shops to inspire your wording, but it’s so important to have up to date and legal terms. I see lots of posts on craft groups where people refuse returns and refunds when legally, they can’t do this. Make sure you look into what rights the buyer has so that you are both covered with post issues, faulty items and return options. Make things clear so that you can revert back to them and keep them simple.
Strike the right balance
Etsy has a kind of lovely community feel, with small business owners and hand crafted goods, so we don’t need to be overly formal, but seeing messages from sellers with ‘Hi hun’ and really unprofessional wording is often too far the other way. It’s your business, it could grow big one day and it’s good to stay professional even if the customer is a royal pain or asking the impossible, though do what suits you and your brand best! Stick to your terms, learn from your mistakes and every now and then you may have to take one on the chin money wise, but it’s worth keeping customers happy and keeping those reviews positive where possible. If you receive a negative review, don’t reply straight away as this can then not be removed by Etsy, but if it’s very unreasonable or something like a post service issue caused the problem, then ask Etsy to review/remove it. If it’s just a bit of a negative but something you can learn from, thank them for their feedback and say how you will improve on this so that future buyers aren’t put off. There’s nothing worse than seeing a business arguing with a customer! We all get the odd drop in stars sometimes and it can be a really good way to learn and improve your business. Sometimes customers may just expect something beyond the realms of possibility, so don’t take it to heart if you get the odd tricky customer.
I hope this helps! Etsy is a great selling platform and really reasonable in terms of fees compared to others, so it’s well worth a try!
I was reading something online the other day about a woman having fallen ill after breast surgery, and it reminded me that AION posted about this back in May 2021. So for anyone that needs to know this…here it is again.
I have never seen myself as someone who would have cosmetic surgery. I was happy with my body and had never focused on any flaws. I had always been extremely lean and was one of those people who didn’t have to exercise or watch my diet to stay in shape, I exercise often and try to eat healthily. I was also lucky that I snapped back to my pre-pregnancy weight with both of my daughters, within just a matter of weeks.
At the age of 32, after having my second child, I developed a severe case of Mastitis. The pain was excruciating and it seemed to eat away at my left breast. I visited many doctors and even had a stay in hospital, but it seemed that whatever tissue and fat I had in that area had disappeared. I was only a size 8 in clothing and weighed just over 8 stone, but suddenly tops and dresses hung off me. The most fitted tops made me look uneven and I became extremely self-conscious. I wasn’t someone to put on weight easily and as we know, the weight never comes or goes from the place you want it to. I tried to resign myself to the fact I would remain ‘lopsided’.
After a few months of feeling unhappy with how I looked, and lacking in confidence, I made the decision to have breast augmentation surgery. Elective surgery was something I never in a million years thought I would have. Because of this, I chose a top consultant in London who had worked on celebrities, believing if it’s good enough for them and they trusted him, so should I. Within a matter of weeks, I had breast implants that suited my frame and size. I didn’t tell anyone. As stupid as it sounds, I didn’t want to be judged and I certainly didn’t want to look any different to how I did before or to draw attention to myself.
I had the surgery in August 2007 and by November I was suffering severe anxiety and panic attacks. I had lost my Nan, my second Mum, in the October and this had affected me deeply so I just put it down to that. Over the following months and years, I found myself extremely low in mood so visited my GP and was prescribed anti-depressants. I only stayed on these for a very short time as I wanted to ‘get through this’ period myself.
After five years of having the implants and feeling horrendous most days with nausea, headaches, severe fatigue, anxiety and low mood, a major scandal broke out regarding Poly Implant Prothèse – a French company that produced silicone gel breast implants (PIP). The company was pre-emptively liquidated in 2010 following the revelation that they had been illegally manufacturing and selling breast implants made from cheaper industrial-grade silicone since 2001. It turned out I had been fitted with these implants.
The PIP breast implant scandal saw 47,000 British women affected. All the women were fitted with silicone implants containing industrial grade chemicals never intended for medical use. I decided this was probably the reason I was feeling so unwell and made an appointment to have the implants removed and a new ‘safe’ set fitted. A decision I would later regret.
I remember waking from the surgery in 2012 thinking I would feel different. I was expecting to be told the removed PIP implants had discoloured or ruptured, but this wasn’t the case. They were intact and I was reassured this new set were safe. Looking back now, I can’t believe how naive I was to think that any set of implants are safe!
From November 2007 to the day before I had heard about the PIP scandal, I never for one minute connected my ill health with my implants. Why would I? Even countless doctors hadn’t! The day the news hit the headlines, I felt I had a lifeline. A reason for why I felt so unwell. Once I’d had the implants removed and new ones re-inserted, the consultant assured me that it wouldn’t have been the implants that were making me ill. The ‘hope’ that it was the implants causing me such severe health issues quickly evaporated. I went back to believing I must have some mysterious illness that no one had found and that I was slowly dying each day.
From 2012, my health deteriorated even quicker. I found myself developing many more strange symptoms including numbness and tingling in my arms and legs, blurred vision, tinnitus, cold hands and feet, eczema, hair loss, brain fog, lack of concentration, IBS, poor memory, panic attacks and insomnia, to name but a few! I saw my GP on many occasions who told me I was ‘just a busy Mum’! My weight had also ballooned from a size 8 to a size 14. I had severe bloating all over my body, including my face which was constantly puffy and my skin was almost translucent. I didn’t recognise myself.
After visiting my GP with my 11th bout of chest infections in 13 months (of which I was prescribed strong antibiotics each time), he gave me a leaflet on Fibromyalgia and ME/CFS (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). He told me to go home and to think about ‘cutting my life down’ in every aspect from work to socialising. I literally had no social life to cut! I was too drained and ill for one. I did however work extremely hard and was a successful Makeup Artist. There were many days where I would work, come home exhausted and sleep fitfully for 16 hours. I felt like I was dying, but then I’d give myself a good talking to and say ‘don’t be so stupid. Dying people don’t go out to work!’.
I felt like I was trapped. No one could understand exactly how unwell I felt. I had days where I just wanted to unzip my body and step outside for five minutes rest.
I threw myself into healthy, clean eating and was forcing myself to exercise in a desperate bid to re-energise myself and lose the weight. I joined an outdoor boot camp and went three times a week, as well as a running club, that I still belong to today. I signed up for The Royal Parks Half Marathon in October 2015. To this day I have no idea how I made it round in 2 hours 12 minutes. I felt horrendous and suffered for weeks on end after.
I saw many private consultants from 2012 to 2016 and was diagnosed with many health problems including B12 Deficiency, a Pituitary Adenoma, Tachycardia and food intolerances/allergies. I was put on Beta Blockers, but they made me feel even more unwell so I came off those. I changed my diet and cut out wheat and gluten. I still felt no different and my weight never changed.
I’ll never forget the day I realised I had Breast Implant Illness (BII). It was January 2017. I was sitting in the lounge with my husband and two daughters, spending yet another evening searching online and Googling ways to help my health, when I happened to get a searing pain in my right implant. The pain was like nothing I’d experienced before. I honestly thought the implant must be rupturing. I quickly Googled ‘pain in right breast implant’ and hit return. Staring back at me were rows and rows of the words ‘Breast Implant Illness’.
My eyes quickly scanned the pages and familiar words started to jump out at me ‘brain fog, hair loss, anxiety, weight gain, extreme fatigue’. My heart was in my mouth. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. My eyes swam with tears of happiness and joy. I had finally found the answer to my 11 years of suffering. I remember looking up from my iPad and staring around the room. I was numb with shock, but at that moment, I also had an overwhelming sense of calm descend on me. I knew I had found the answer and solution to my ill health and more importantly, what was going to make me well again and give me my life back. Explanting. It felt like hours before I finally found my voice and I just remember calling my husband over and getting him to read what I had found. We were both beside ourselves with excitement!
I frantically started searching for as much information on BII as I could. Out of 42 symptoms, I definitely had 37. I learnt that the shell/outer coating of the implant is made up of many toxic chemicals that get absorbed into the bloodstream. I felt disgusted and sickened that implants are so freely put into women without any of this being explained. Back in 2007, when I had the first set, I don’t even remember researching it myself. I believed them to be safe.
Within five days of my revelation I had visited three surgeons. Two of them discounted BII as a ‘real thing’ and told me it was all in my head! They said they would happily remove my implants and re-fit new ones, but that they didn’t believe BII existed. They told me I would look ‘deformed’ and to ‘seriously think about my actions of explanting’. I was so angry that these so called professionals were ignoring everything I had said and were just thinking of money.
Thankfully, I found an amazing surgeon in Surrey who listened and didn’t try and persuade me to have new implants. He explained that the body won’t always accept any kind of implant, whether it be breast, hip or even tooth. I saw him three times before my surgery. This was his recommendation so that I had thought everything through. It wasn’t just a case of putting myself through surgery and yet another general anaesthesia, there was also the psychological side of what I may look like. I had thought about this, for probably a second! I knew in my gut that BII was the reason I felt so unwell and I trusted my instincts. Even if I ended up looking like Magda from There’s Something About Mary, at least I had my health back.
I remember speaking to a friend about it and she was mortified I would even contemplate having my implants removed and possibly look saggy, just on a hunch that they were causing my ill health. My answer to her ‘I’m not just a pair of boobs’. I wasn’t vain before I got my implants and I certainly wasn’t hanging on to them now, knowing everything I did about BII. If I never removed them, I’d never know if they were the cause!
Just a few weeks before my surgery I decided to have a hair tissue mineral analysis. These tests are used around the world for the biological monitoring of trace elements and toxic metals in humans. I was interested to know exactly what was in my body and then I would repeat the process one year after explant. The findings were scary and even the therapist who carried out the test was amazed at how many heavy metals and toxic chemicals I had in my body.
On the day of my explant surgery, 7th March 2017, my husband drove me to Surrey. I felt excitement mixed with nerves. I knew that today was the start of the rest of my life. I had every faith I would be well again after these toxic bags were removed.
I was made to feel extremely comfortable with my own private room and the nurses were amazing. Unfortunately, the surgery didn’t go without any complications and I developed an allergic reaction to the general anaesthetic during the procedure which has resulted in me now having a lifelong allergy to adrenaline based drugs. All that aside, I woke from surgery in recovery and did something that I realised I had been unable to do for 11 years. I took a full, deep breath. I had zero pain. For years I had dealt with recurrent chest infections which had left me with Costochondritis. I had completely forgotten what it felt like to breathe without pain as I spent every day with a heavy crushing feeling on my chest, let alone to be able to take a full, deep breath. The Costocondritis had completely disappeared.
As I lay there in recovery, I had a feeling of peace. I knew that removing the implants was the answer and I actually laughed out loud and said to one of the nurses that the answer to my ill health of 11 years had literally been right under my nose the whole time!
Once back in my hospital room, I noticed how pink and warm my hands were. I grabbed a mirror and couldn’t believe what I saw looking back at me. Glowing, flushed cheeks and reduced puffiness! I had been so used to seeing a pale, bloated face and avoided looking in the mirror as much as possible. I was so excited to see the many changes over the coming days and weeks.
The weight dropped off me – something I now realise was water retention – no doubt filled with toxic chemicals. My energy was through the roof! My hair started growing back. My eyes sparkled once again. People had never commented on how ill I looked before, but suddenly they were remarking how well and glowing I looked.
Out of the 37 symptoms I had, just one or two remain today. I have been left with B12 Deficiency, for which I have monthly injections and I have Tachycardia, but thankfully I don’t require daily medication for it. I still get anxiety, but I am having help for that and it’s working.
After spending 11 years missing out on so many outings and activities with my daughters and husband, I was able to take part in everything. I was literally given my life back.
Do I regret my decision to have breast implants? Absolutely! I wish I had loved my body for what it was. It took away 11 years of my life. Time when I should have been enjoying my young family and living life to the full. It’s not all negative though. I’ve definitely learnt to appreciate my health. I regularly take part in waves of The Six Pack Revolution and am the strongest I’ve ever been.
Also, as it turns out, after explanting surgery, I’m not deformed! With the right advice, I should have been told to wait at least 6-12 months following my Mastitis for my body to ‘heal’. But, the past is the past and thankfully I realised what was causing my ill health before it was too late.
Unfortunately BII is very much a controversial subject. I have no idea why. Breast Implant Illness is 100% a real thing. I know. I’ve lived through it and thankfully, am now a survivor of it.
Breaking news: After posting this today (20 May 2021), this article was published by the BBC click here to read
Summer has most certainly hit the UK! I think I’m not the only one to have muttered the words ‘oh, it’s too hot’ many times over the last couple of weeks.
We are all well aware of the dangers of UV rays and so for me, if you have to tan, it’s best to fake it. There are so many fantastic products on the market today that give a gorgeous healthy glow, without the need to expose yourself to skin damage. Remember, a sun tan isn’t an indication of health at all. It simply means you have damaged skin cells.
Fake tan is a much healthier and safer way to tan that causes no damage whatsoever. Remember to always wear a high SPF daily whether using fake tan or not.
To ensure you build a smooth, non-streaky tan, it’s best to exfoliate the skin 24 hours beforehand using a non-abrasive body scrub. Pay particular attention to the elbows, knees and other dry areas of the body.
Don’t forget to exfoliate your face if applying there also, but don’t use the same product as your body as this will be too harsh. There are two main types of facial exfoliants; physical (face scrubs and clay-based masks) and chemical (acids and peels). There are so many benefits of exfoliating including cleaning and purifying clogged pores, boosting circulation, sloughing away dead skin and encouraging fresh, new cell turnover. Exfoliating will also help skincare products to penetrate deeper and will also ensure a smooth, even tan.
Skinny Tan is an extremely popular self-tanner which is made from over 90% naturally derived ingredients. There is a choice of gradual tan, pre-tan and instant tan and the products are available in either mousse, oil, serum, drops or mist. Having used this brand previously, I find it gives a natural, even-looking tan without the need for careful application. It lasts around five days and doesn’t have a strong smell like some self-tanning products.
If you don’t fancy tanning your whole body, but would like some colour to your legs, then Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs Instant Tan is fantastic. This product is advertised as ‘leg makeup’ as it will also cover imperfections such as freckles and veins and enhance skin tone. It’s extremely easy and convenient to use and you can just simply wash it off when you want. Priced at £9.99, it’s a great choice if you don’t have time to exfoliate and self-tan the day before an event or occasion.
If you are looking for a facial tanning product, then I can highly recommend you try Tropic Sun Drops gradual tanning facial serum. Alongside the natural plant allo-melanin that mimics your skin’s own melanin and creates a warm golden effect, it’s topped up with coconut water and Aloe Vera juice to ensure skin stays dewy.
Sun Drops is a customisable bronzing serum. Just add a few drops to your moisturiser either in the morning or evening and apply to your face. The serum will start developing and your skin will be left with a radiant, sun-kissed glow. If you want more colour, add a couple more drops to your moisturiser.
This product is streak-free and buildable with a natural finish and a gorgeous smell of sweet passion fruit. Priced at just £22 for 30ml, this is a must have all year round.
There are no health benefits to natural tanning, but if you must be in the sun, make sure you always wear a high factor, broad spectrum UV protection of at least SPF 30. Apply within 20 minutes of going outside and apply regularly throughout the day. Stay hydrated, wear a hat and seek shade throughout the day (especially between 11am and 3pm, when the sun is at its hottest).
Please tell me that I am not the only one that has had these on/off fads, fancies, crazes and crushes periodically throughout their lives? Why do we get them? What are they for?
I am beginning with a teenage fascination on a person – but my weird brain does not always choose to focus its infatuation on a human, no – indeed it can hook itself onto a range of things, from people to pottery, TV programmes to tea, bedding to weddings and all manner of things in between as this mini-series of articles will reveal in time.
Jason Donovan
Of course, it all started with Neighbours. Back in the day where you could watch it twice a day if you were home poorly from school. I cannot tell you how many times I watched ‘The Wedding’, in awe of and insanely jealous of Kylie as she stood there next to the loveliest human that my 11-year-old self had ever seen. Praise the Top of the Pops lords that were Stock, Aitken and Waterman and the editors of Smash Hits and Number One magazines for keeping Jason in my life.
Any TV appearance would be taped on a dedicated VHS tape, labelled ‘This is mine. Do not touch!’ No one in the house was allowed to breathe on it and it would be watched voraciously, as often as possible – on a loop.
All of my pocket money was spent on any magazine that featured the blond floppy fringe, however big or small. My Dad used to say that coming into my bedroom made him feel sick, as a million pairs of Australian blue eyes would stare at him and follow him around the room as he collected the glasses and cups that I had ‘forgotten’ to bring downstairs.
Sometimes you could get an eight-time folded poster in the middle of the magazine that would pull out into a HUGE wall covering of a poster. You just had to be really careful how you pulled it out otherwise the staples would leave a mark or a small rip on his perfect nose. Amidst the small gaps caused by my amateur wall papering skills, were teeny tiny Jason Donavon heads that had been painstakingly cut out with nail scissors, so that each ear and strand of hair was unharmed.
There used to be a department store in the middle of Southend High Street called Keddies and it would sell everything. Even wigs for old ladies, and super lacy bras that cost over £20 back in 1988. Saturday mornings would see me, and the gang enter with our meagre pocket money, feasting our eyes on all of the grown up and expensive stuff before us. We couldn’t afford anything. We mainly went in to go up and down in the lift and ride the escalators for a laugh before deciding whether to go to Tammy Girl to try on affordable bras, before or after lunch (it was probably only 10.05am) and who was going to go to KFC, who was going to McDonalds, and was going with who to the loo.
One particular time, it was just me and one other gang member. Loitering by the lift, waiting for the buggies, and walking sticks to pass, I saw something that made my heart stop. A zing of electric excitement buzzed through me and I nearly lost the power of speech. What was before me was a strange tiny counter with a red and white banner that said ‘Ticket Master’ and underneath this banner was a crudely written notice, red marker on a whiteboard: Jason Donavon Concert Tickets London Wembley Arena.
A plan was hatched between us. Get home as soon as possible. Make tea for parents. Beg, howl, cry, plead, rage, rant, bargain, negotiate, bribe and blackmail until we had a ticket. Failure was not an option. If I were not able to go then my life would be over. Angels come in many forms and as I burst into the front door and into the kitchen, there was mine, Aunty Michelle.
She managed to show an interest and decipher my carefully rehearsed speech that came out like gobbledygook; Mum and Dad just carried on chatting about I don’t know what in between their sips of tea and fag puffs, perhaps raising their eyebrows when I mentioned trains to London. Aunty Michelle nodded and smiled as I meticulously listed what I needed, why and how it could happen. Could being the operative word here because a ticket to go and see my idol was £23 – even more expensive than the fancy bras!
I think it was March time and my birthday is in November, but my angel of an Aunty said that she would buy me the ticket for my birthday. I could not believe my luck. The telephone was ringing. It was my friend. Had she succeeded in her mission? Yes! She had! I swear I skipped back to Keddies that afternoon with Aunty Michelle in tow to make the most precious of purchases.
I screamed myself hoarse at the concert and sang every single word to every single song. It was the best night of my whole life to date, and was relived in photos, conversations, and memories for years to come. I still had the tour mug up until a few years ago – the handle came off. I was a bit sad. At the merchandise stand in Wembley, the T-shirts were as much as the ticket had cost and so I chose the mug as a memento to be treasured each time I had a cup of tea.
They say to never meet your idols as it will lead to disappointment, and sadly it did a little. Having shielded away a small piece of my heart, just for Jason, and at thirty-six years old, the stars were finally aligned for our paths to cross again.
Me and the same friend who went to see Jason at Wembley, went to see him in The Kings Speech, in Cambridge, where he was playing the part of the speech therapist. I smiled when he came on – remembering all that had gone before, remembering how much I had (thought I had) loved him, and all of those cut out heads on my bedroom wall.
As soon as we had got to the theatre, we divided and conquered. Concert friend went off to get two glasses of sauvignon – well four really – we had the interval after all. I was entrusted to purchase two copies of the programme. Job done. My other task of importance was to ensure that we had a permanent marker. Also done! Jason is actually a very good actor, and we thoroughly enjoyed the performance. We were also so excited for when the show had finished.
As soon as the curtain went down, friend and I scrambled down the stairs, in a tipsy, heady frenzy. We were actually going to meet him. We got to the stage door in record time. I felt sure that there would be surging crowd of fellow used to be eleven-year-old JD fanatics; I was ready to squeeze and push us to the front for the glorious moment. But no – there was no surge. Why hadn’t anyone come to see him? There was maybe fifteen of us in a limp semi-circle around the door. I panicked. Oh, my goodness. What if we were at the wrong door and had missed him. I wanted to cry.
As I was about to push the marker pen back into bag, there-he-was. Squuueeeeeee. It was actually him. He looked up and I gave him the biggest smile I could. He looked at me and frowned. And then he looked around at the other people who had waited to see him. He looked disappointed and fed up. In fact, he said as much. He said “Oh erm, I just wanted to go and get some lunch.” Lunch? Jason we are here and have loved you like forever – can’t you even pretend to be happy? I must have paid a significant chunk of your riches in all the Jason things that I had bought over the years. I made my Dad feel ill for you. Thirty-six-year-old me had a word with eleven-year-old me and suddenly saw the truth. This guy in all honesty, probably did just want to get his lunch and some down time before the evening show. I work in a school, how happy would I actually be if every time I left for lunch, I had students wanting selfies with me and my autograph – can you imagine? But still – even a little smile?
The smile was not forthcoming. He did begrudgingly sign our programmes albeit whilst stating “No selfies, no selfies.” Alright mate, we get the message. I snapped a few photos on my phone, in hope of a semi decent one. His baseball hat kept getting in the way. I started wishing that we hadn’t bothered. Still, we had our programmes and they were sort of signed. Watching him make his way to lunch, I put my programme away and checked my bag: phone, purse, programme…. where was my marker pen?!? That cheeky galah was going to lunch with MY pen.
“Excuse me. Excuse me Mr Donovan. You have stolen my pen. Can I have it back please?”
He sort of stomped back towards the few of us left. Mumbling something like “Must be a special pen.”
“Thank you.” I said.
And now somewhere in my home is a black marker pen that has been touched by Jason Donovan. It might even have his DNA on it. Yeah.. I am so over him now.
My son turned 17 nearly a year ago and we bought him a course of driving lessons for his birthday. We knew it would be expensive but figured he’d pass the theory test, have some lessons and then pass the practical. Little did we know that this would take nearly a year and some serious dedication to the cause, from me!
Getting on a course with a recommended driving instructor is as challenging and nerve-wracking as getting into a good catchment school. I kid you not. But why?
The reason is that the students who are currently with the instructors are not passing first, second or even third time. Obviously, there are a few who do, but on the whole, my experience is that the kids are just not getting through. Why? Are the tests harder? Is this a money-making scheme after the losses in Covid?
My son and his friends are definitely at a disadvantage because our nearest test centre is not in an area that we regularly go to. These are not streets they are overly familiar with, yes a road is a road, but it does help your nerves if you know the roads you are being tested on, or if you know there’s a great big pothole, or that around the next corner there’s usually a queue of traffic.
One glorious day the instructor says, “I think you are ready for your test.”
For anyone who hasn’t had the joy of booking a driving test in the last year or so, let me help you with what you need to do. There’s no, “What day do you have a lesson?” or “Would an afternoon suit your schedule better son?” This is where I had to step up. My son was sitting his A-levels and it became apparent that a serious amount of time was going to be required to get a driving test booked, so in I stepped.
Testi
I was told to buy the app Testi for £9.99 to secure a cancellation. I was to book a test anywhere in the country and then get a cancellation via the app for the centre we’d selected on a day that suited. I booked Carlisle for six months in the future then duly logged into Testi and waited. And waited. And waited. Nothing came through. Then one evening loads of dates fired through. Click. Sorry, no dates. All the dates were gone before I could log in. Literally, in seconds the dates had disappeared and I was back to the familiar blank screen of ‘there are no dates at your chosen centre’.
DVSA website
I decided to skip Testi and go direct to the DVSA website following the instructions to ‘change my driving test date’. Originally you were allowed up to ten changes, now it’s down to six. Refresh, refresh, refresh. It took a few days to see the pattern of when dates were most likely to become available. I spent hours on this, my whole day off in fact. This is why I had to do it, my son was studying (and anyone with a reluctant student will know that no distraction is to be offered), and I really wanted him to pass so I could stop paying for lessons. We did stand down on the lessons, just enough to keep him in the mode but not going at it. Finally, I got a test. But it was for tomorrow!
This is the thing, the cancellations can vary from next week to tomorrow. Once the instructor says “get a test”, you need to be ready at very short notice.
Test 1 Dec 2021 – Failed. Someone walked out in front of him and the examiner wasn’t 100% confident that my son had gauged the seriousness of this. He did stop unaided and the person was totally fine. But fail he did.
Test 2 March 2022 – Failed. Major hesitation.
Test 3 July 2022 – Pass- whoop whoop!
At one point between booking tests 2 and 3, I had to call the DVSA and during the course of our friendly and frank chat, I asked how many tests were the average before passing. 4 or 5 he said. I nearly fell over. That’s £68 per test!
Highest pass rate 1st attempt – Dorcester 67.3%
Lowest pass rate 1st attempt – Erith 28.5%
Top Tips
Book the theory test well in advance.
Secure your preferred instructor, well at least get on their waiting list.
Don’t bother with any booking apps, their feed is too slow.
DVSA website direct.
Book anywhere at any time.
Change your test up to 6 times.
Be ready at short notice.
Remember your instructor may not be ready at short notice as they have lessons already booked.
You can go to a test in your own car. You will need a spare rear view mirror, no warning lights on the dashboard and to know how the car works i.e how to operate your fog lights.
You can have a passenger in the back (which is a good idea because if you fail you have someone who knows what happened) like the person stepping out (test 1). The passenger cannot utter a sound or you will fail.
You can appeal a fail but you’d probably get more feedback by throwing a message in a bottle out to sea. Pointless.
Cost
Average driving lesson rate per hour £23. It’s often cheapest to buy a block of lessons. This is good early on as you will definitely use them. You need to negotiate with the instructor as the test comes nearer but expect to go onto an hourly rate which is usually dearer (£30). Remember if you do the test in their car you will have to pay for the whole time you are using the car, this can be 3 hours – a lesson before the test, the test and returning home after the test which depends on the distance from your centre & the time the journey takes.
Average number of driving hours to passing 47 hours = £1081
Theory Test £23
Practical Test £68 per test
Insurance – sell a kidney. We are using Marmalade after much research, a specialist young drivers provider.
As every driver knows, each trip is different so on the day of the test you need to hope the Gods of Driving are on your side and that with the wind behind you, you’ll pass.
Finally, my son is free.
And now I get to worry about something bigger, faster and more dangerous than the BMX that used to terrorise me. I feel like I want to put an orange light on his roof so everyone can see it contains special cargo and to be very, very careful near him. I’ll probably never sleep again!
AION’s resident book reviewer A Novel Page has read plenty this month, and here’s what she thinks of four of them. Follow ANovelPage on insta.
The Phone Call by AJ Campbell
Long story short: After his father’s death, Joey assumes his position in looking after the family. However, it’s not an easy job and he is struggling…
Thoughts: Thank you so much @ajcampbellauthor for sending me a copy of this and having me on the book tour!
This isn’t my favourite AJ Campbell book, but it’s still very very good and I really enjoyed it.
What Campbell does extraordinarily well creates characters that you can’t help but root for. They’re normal ordinary people in situations that we all could be in at some point. That’s the real beauty of this book.
The exploration of poverty, especially in the current economic climate, was greatly explored, especially in relation to how it can affect families. I just felt so sorry for Joey and I wanted the absolute best for him. The other characters were incredibly vivid and well-constructed. Again, they were just real people!
I cannot express how easy and simple the prose is. It is a little predictable at points, but it doesn’t stop it from completely and wholeheartedly absorbing you! Just be warned that it is a slow-burn, but an addictive slow-burn. The second half is a lot quicker than the first.
Whilst the simplicity of the prose was excellent, I did find that the plot was a little too simple. Hence, the predictability that I mentioned above. However, the ending did have a nice little twist that left me with a smile on my face. It is definitely more of a character-driven novel than a plot-driven one.
Nevertheless, this is the perfect summer read that you will very quickly devour!
N.B.: I was kindly gifted this book in exchange for an honest review.
A Novel page rates this book 8/10
Men Who Hate Women by Laura Bates
Long story short: Laura Bates examines the secretive and extremist communities who hate women.
Thoughts: Wow, this book had me feeling an unnatural amount of anger… which I didn’t even know was possible! Obviously, it is a must read for everyone.
Quick disclaimer: this is not an easy read. It’s uncomfortable, shocking and disturbing. Laura Bates is brutally honest and, quite rightly so, refuses to censor the true barbarity of these groups. There are graphic descriptions of abuse and rape.
Whilst I’ve heard of incels (courtesy of Lisa Jewell’s ‘Invisible Girl’), I had no idea just how prevalent they actually are, and just how extreme their views are. I just cannot believe that it’s not talked about more in mainstream media…but then I can believe it. I think the phrase I’m looking for is ‘disappointed, but not surprised’.
It really made me laugh when I read some reviews about this. Some people have really misunderstood the book: it isn’t a platform for misandry. It’s about genuine concerns and fears of far-right alt movements that are having an actual impact on society. It possesses a lot of empathy for young men who are lured into these groups and that really says a lot about Bates’ ability to remain impartial.
This is a ridiculously well-researched book. Despite being brutally honest, the prose is very easy to read and the language is simplistic. It is quite a dense read so I do think it’s best to dip in and out of it.
The chapters are split into different aspects of the manosphere and that really makes you appreciate the vast amount of sub-groups. I can’t really decide which horrified me more… it seemed to get worse and worse! I learnt so much and it’s really opened my eyes.
I don’t know whether I can say that I enjoyed reading this, but I do know that this is an essential read!
Long story short: Long story short: Dorothy Daniels is a notorious food critic… who also happens to be a murderer.
Thoughts:
Thank you so much @faberbooks for sending me a copy of this and having me on the book tour!
There is no other way to describe this other than the ‘feminist American Pyscho’. It was not what I was expecting at all… but I loved it more for that very reason.
Just a quick caveat: it is graphic and gory. So if you’re sqeamish, perhaps give this one a miss. It is quite shocking just how calm and detached Dorothy was when describing how she kills and eats her former flames. This is counteracted by how amusing the narrative is: it’s witty and dry. Honestly, I chuckled many times, most often at inappropriate moments…whoops!
I loved the analysis of language! I never thought of how cannibalistic the English language could be. It’s gave me some serious food for thought… (get it?!).
The book is narrated from the first person and does jump around quite a bit as you follow Dorothy’s stream of consciousness. I wouldn’t say that it’s particulary gripping or that it possesses much tension/suspence. It literally is a women’s memoir.
I did feel that the prose tried a little too hard at times. Don’t get me wrong, this is a pretentious book and it is meant to be. However, there were points were I did think it was too forced.
Nonetheless, it is a very clever book. Yes, it can be viewed as a feminist rendition of the aforementioned cult classic, but it can also be seen as a commentary on industrial meat production. It’s incredibly provocative, but it’s a fine piece of literary fiction.
Is it weird to say that I love Dorothy? I know she’s a psychopathic murderer, but she’s just great!
If you like feminism, sex and food (with a splashing of murder)… then this is the book for you.
N.B.: I was kindly gifted this book in exchange for an honest review.
The Chirk Castle Killings by Simon McCleave
Long story short: DI Ruth Hunter and DS Nick Evans are called to an incident in which a man is shot dead… Who killed him and why?
Thank you so much @edpr for sending me a copy of this!
Okay so before I even get into this book, I have to say that Simon McCleave might just be the cliffhanger king… I was on tenterhooks from the last book and I was very glad that it was resolved in this book. However, I was thrown another cliffhanger and I NEED the next book to be released immediately.
It’s an incredibly easy read. The prose is very simplistic and the plot is not overly complex. Did I guess the perpetrator? Yes. Did I guess why or how? No!
So despite the predictability of that, the plot is very immersive and entertaining. I’m pretty sure I read it in one sitting – and a very quick one at that! That’s not to say that it’s completely plain sailing. There are many twists and turns that keep you hooked!
Despite how short the book is, the characters were well-fleshed out. I really enjoyed picking up from where I left Ruth and Nick last time! That’s remarkable, especially considering I only joined the series at book 11! I just love how realistic and flawed the characters are in their own way.
I definitely prefer this one to the last, and I think this might be a series where it gets better with each book!
Simple, easy and entertaining! Definitely a guilty pleasure if there ever was one.
If you do nothing else this summer you must read Caitlin Moran’s latest book – More than a woman.
Not only will she have you chuckling out loud and mentally building a list of your friends that you are going to be strongly advising read it, but you will have a new appreciation for all that you do, have done and are capable of doing. Us, women, the weaker sex, the fairer sex, the lesser sex – no hold that right there, us, woman that are holding down every single thing that helps the world spin on its axis and underpin all that makes it stable and pleasant for everyone, not just us, to live in. We are fricking awesome and Ms Moran will point this out to you like you’ve never heard it before, and yes, you will do a bit of wee such is the mirth.
Seriously, read it. And then you and I can sign up to The Women’s Union (once you’ve read it you’ll get it).
Because I am married to a good and amusing man who is also an early riser, Pete is downstairs, getting the kids ready.
The kitchen is very bright. Very bright. This is because I have a hangover, which I haven’t mentioned so far, as it’s entirely my fault, and I am being brave and noble. ‘How was last night?’ Pete asks, cheerfully, putting cereal on the table for the kids. Because they are now nine and seven, we don’t need to put plastic sheeting on the floor any more. That’s one job off The List! ‘Oh, very good. We got a lot of important work done,’ I say, discreetly palming two Berocca tablets into a glass, and filling it with water. The ‘important work’ was me and three siblings sitting on my patio until 4am, discussing the impending divorce of our parents. Things are escalatingly grim between them, and it can only end one way. This conversation was deemed to be ‘gin work’. For reasons I can’t quite remember now, it involved, around 11pm, me standing on a chair and crying as I sang ‘Everything’s Alright’ from Jesus Christ Superstar: However much I tried, no one else would join in with me. “Yeah – I saw you ‘working’ on Twitter”, Pete says. I don’t remember posting anything on Twitter. I look on my phone, and scroll down my timeline. Oh. That’s interesting. At midnight, I appear to have posted a picture of my bare feet, with a Jacob’s Cream Cracker wedged between each toe.
More than a Woman – Caitlin Moran
As AION readers you’ll know we are fans of Caitlin Moran, if you want to know more read our previous post She’s Brilliant & British.
I also read the absolutely brilliant ‘Lessons in Chemistry’ which is not about chemistry. It’s a novel and a very, very fine one at that.
Smart, funny, joyous and powerful, Garmus’ 60s set debut featuring an unconventional female scientist with a quiet game-plan to change the world has won the hearts and minds of our booksellers and is undoubtedly one of 2022’s most gloriously enjoyable debuts.
Watersons
Elizabeth Zott is the main character and you will love her. This is a sun lounger read if ever there was one. You’ll power through it and miss it when it’s gone. Elizabeth is everything you need in your heroine, strong, clever, funny and a progressive badass for her time. Go the strong women’s club!
‘A concept as unconventional as Zott herself, each page is bursting with wit, optimism and female empowerment. I’ve not enjoyed a book so much in ages: it’s witty, sharp and full of life, with the very best canine character. An interesting insight into how far women have come, and how much is still left to do.’
Grazia
Lauren and I both decided that we needed to talk about women and our issues. I was lucky enough to be sharing the jolly stuff I’ve discovered recently, whereas Lauren is going to seamlessly slide us in to the fury inducing issue that is Roe vs Wade.
As an early birthday present, I managed to buy my daughter a ticket to Capital Radio’s Summertime Ball. My friend and I, and our girls, were surprised and more than a little smug (I don’t mind admitting), that I somehow secured us tickets for The Golden Circle. The very Golden Circle that winners on Capital were trying to win tickets for.
I was forced to cast my mind back to when I went with my friend and her Mum to Smash Hits Poll Winners Party back in the day. We piled into the Hammersmith Apollo to see Bros who were asking “when will I will I be famous?” I don’t know Matt and Luke (and Craig if you have to add him) I can’t answer that, but I doubt you’ll have to wait long!
My excitement was sufficiently high because who doesn’t want to see Ed Sheeran and Harry Styles? The day was filled with artists, back to back entertainment , albeit most I hadn’t heard of and was therefore thankful for the screens and the ten metre high letters revealing their names – yes Arrdee I’m talking about you!
We arrived with plenty of time to spare, oh but no no you haven’t. In the Golden Circle you pick your centimetre square and you stay on it, all day long! We treated ourselves to the occasional knee bend every few hours – such was the crowd we actually couldn’t move. The kids loved it. I loved that the kids loved it. It was kind of like a beach holiday when you have to stop fighting the sand and just come to terms with it, it is what it is and Harry Styles was coming on.
I remember at Smash Hits when I couldn’t believe that my friend’s mum Marion wasn’t screaming to Bros or singing along with Peter Andre or in fact remotely impressed that Curiosity Killed The Cat had won sexiest newcomers – was she a machine?!
“We had a lovely time didn’t we girls?” she said on the way home.
We croaked a sound implying yes we had because we had cried and screamed ourselves mute. Marion smiled a genuine smile both that it was over and that we’d had the time of our very young lives.
Marion I salute you. I get it now.
Taking my child to a gig of that magnitude, being there as she enjoyed singing along with KSI and Anne-Marie was a privilege, akin to introducing her to the film Annie or Bugsy Malone when she was a small girl. It was such a joy to be part of that memory that will never leave her, that every time she hears George Ezra and his green green grass she will be back at Wembley Stadium and her inner mix tape (previous AION post) will relive the moment and I will be there in it with her, smiling and bopping along to an unknown song but smiling like a mumsie-mum. Her mumsie-mum.
P.S.
Harry was great and yes he did sing to just me (absolutely definitely), basically because I was the only face smiling back. Everyone else was behind a phone.
Photo credit – my friend standing next to meJust saying – my actual eyes saw him
and in other news 
